Even with the difficulties of providing care, there’s an elegance in recognizing that fulfilling one’s duty to parents isn’t optional but essential: roles and duties are well-defined.
For quite some time now, my sister and I have taken on new roles within our family. After my father retired a few years back and began experiencing declining health, the dynamics of our relationships changed significantly.
Our dad was our very own superhero, cap or no cap. He stood tall as an embodiment of self-reliance, offering us generous support through his wisdom and counsel. Moreover, he blazed new trails by being the trailblazer within his family—leaving Hong Kong for higher education and becoming the inaugural tenured professor in their lineage. Yet unexpectedly, we’ve found ourselves stepping into different shoes; our positions as offspring have shifted considerably.
My sister and I have taken on the responsibility of caregivers. As my dad and his spouse adjusted to their new circumstances, my sibling and I have created a fresh routine working together like a well-oiled duo—handling all of Dad’s doctor visits, transportation needs, and food delivery services. Additionally, I’ve been responsible for grocery shopping and organizing entertainment options at our nearby seniors’ center for him, such as bingo sessions.
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During my peaceful interludes, I grappled with the part I believed I ought to assume within a structure where the distinctions between positions had grown hazy. This fresh role didn’t sit well with me; occasionally, it felt more like a duty than a choice.
It was an understood yet unsaid rule that, since I grew up as a child of immigrants, I should respect my elders, particularly my parents.
xiao shun
being dutiful and respectful. This feeling would arise every time I disregarded a request from my parents, be it for fetching groceries from the supermarket or heeding their guidance.
”
It doesn’t matter whether it’s small or not.
“? (‘Are you obedient to your parents?’) was a query accompanied by the motion of a wagging finger.” Unlike in the West,
filial piety
In Chinese and certain other Asian societies, significant importance is placed on showing deference to elder authorities and upholding familial dignity.
Unaware of what was truly happening, I witnessed deep respect and devotion when observing how my father and his brothers and sisters looked after my grandmother following my grandfather’s passing. Each one would take turns visiting her and contribute to ensuring she received proper attention. Additionally, an uncle and aunt have been taking care of their elder parents—affectionately referred to as ‘the super seniors’—for many years now; this includes everything from scheduling doctors’ visits to cooking meals.
As mentioned, taking care of parents and other older relatives goes beyond cultural boundaries. Across various cultures and religious beliefs, looking after senior citizens continues to be significant. A majority of my Jewish acquaintances would absolutely refuse to consider putting their parents in a nursing home. Similarly, numerous American friends also take responsibility for their aging parents. Such acts reflect the norms we uphold in this era.
Many individuals in their 40s and 50s find themselves caught between looking after their children and taking care of their aging parents, managing busy schedules filled with responsibilities towards their careers, personal relationships, and even pets. Approximately 23 percent of U.S. adults fall into this category.
“sandwich generation”
, looking after both elderly parents and children under 18, with people in their 40s being the most likely group to be in this situation, as reported by the Pew Research Centre.
In reflecting on
xiao shun,
I now understand that this concept occupies a distinctive position within Eastern culture, particularly where reverence and compliance are integral parts of familial dynamics. Arguably, it serves as the foundation of Chinese households, shaping both family and societal hierarchies. This is why my father—the firstborn—continued to look after his younger brothers and sisters even when they were adults, including giving them red envelopes.
covering the costs of the family dinners
.
This framework holds an undeniable solidity. Embracing the idea that respecting one’s parents is non-negotiable rather than optional reveals a certain elegance. Responsibilities and duties within this dynamic are well-defined. Personally, I am convinced that maintaining this respect remains crucial even when faced with the difficulties of care-giving. This isn’t merely about adhering to custom; it also serves as a means to express appreciation for everything those preceding generations have bestowed upon us.
I’ve loved taking care of Dad and find pleasure in all aspects of it, from the essential tasks to the more enjoyable ones. In October, I brought him to the yearly “senior prom,” which is organized by our local Office for the Aging for seniors in our area. Dad thoroughly enjoyed himself, meeting new people and dancing along with the tunes. Seeing his laughter filled me with happiness.
My sister has chosen to create special occasions like “dinner with Dad” or “breakfast with Dad,” during which they enjoy homemade meals and casual conversations. These moments together have brought us immense value. In return, our father shares tales from his childhood along with valuable insights, enriching our family’s legacy with these precious narratives.
After every gathering, he sends a text saying “Thank you for coming to see me.” Such gratitude isn’t required. I’m merely fulfilling my duties as both a daughter and someone of Chinese-American heritage. My dad simplifies things—he’s amazing and has done so much for us over the years.
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The article initially appeared on the South ChinaMorning Post (www.scmp.com), which is the premier source for news coverage of China and Asia.
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